Kalani Honua Blog

When I was twenty-seven years old, a woman friend became frustrated with how much love and attention I was giving Barry, my husband of five years. She was a teacher of women’s studies at a local college. This subject was brand new in 1973 and emphasized women’s liberation. She saw my devotion to Barry as old fashioned and “unliberated.” In a burst of anger she said, “You’re putting all your eggs in one basket. Barry is going to die someday and then you’ll be sorry you concentrated so much love on him.”

I was so stunned and hurt by her words that I had to let go of that friendship. However, over the years, I couldn’t help reflecting on her words. She was right that I was making my relationship with Barry my top priority, even over my career and friends. But was this wrong? Would I one day regret that I had focused so much of my love on him? If he died suddenly, would I find that I had done the wrong thing by concentrating so much of my time on him? 

In the past twelve months I have reflected on this woman’s words more deeply. It has been a difficult period of time. Seven close friends that we have known over twenty five years have died. A few of these have died very suddenly in the peak of their careers and activities. Several close women friends have become widows after many years of marriage. Each of these women has loved their husband fully. One of my friends, who was married for 47 years, says it is all the love she gave that is now the greatest comfort for her. If she had to do it all over again, she would have still loved completely and made her husband the focus of her love.

When we work with people in their grieving process, we find that it is the love that is not given that causes the most pain and sadness. I must admit that with our seven friends that have passed this year, I definitely have some regrets. I wish I would have spent more time with some or called more often. But I am also comforted because, with each one, they knew I loved them and believed in their greatness. They knew I appreciated them and carried them tenderly in my heart.

Now that several of my friends have become widows I cannot help but reflect on my own situation. With the time I have left with Barry, how do I want to spend it? I certainly do not want to hold onto anger and resentment. My one friend became a widow in the course of minutes. One minute her husband was active and getting ready for their child’s birthday party, and the next minute he was gone. I want to keep my relationship with Barry very current and in harmony. I want to work through difficulties as quickly as we can. Each day I want to love him in a new way. I want him to feel cherished. I may never be perfect in the ways I want to love him, but it is in the trying that brings me so much comfort.

Two weeks ago we had another death in our family. This time it was our daughter Rami’s beloved horse, Magic, who had been her very dear friend for twenty two years. A death of such a treasured animal has its own deep grief. Rami had a memorial service for her horse at his burial site. She dressed up in her cowgirl clothes that she had gotten as a young teenager when she first bought Magic and read a tribute to him. Our family plus her closest friends came to the service. Each of us spoke about our love for this very special horse. At the end one friend said, “Rami, you loved and cared for your horse 100%. All the love you gave to him will come back and bless you.” 

The love we give to others comes back and blesses us. I am so grateful that I did not listen to that “liberated” woman friend. I am so grateful that I gave my all to Barry during a period of time in our country when it was considered “backward and politically incorrect” for a woman to love her husband so completely. I am grateful that the love has come back and blesses me over and over again.

Let’s not hold back our love from anyone that is dear to us. Let’s take every opportunity to express our appreciation and caring. No one can hear heart-felt words of love too often. I have understood more deeply this year that we really don’t know how much time we have left with our loved ones. Fortunately for the friends of mine that became widows this year, they had taken the time to love on a daily basis. Even though one husband was gone in the wink of an eye, it is all the words and acts of love and tenderness that will bring enduring comfort to his wife.

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.

Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

In Hawaiian shamanistic teachings, there is a story passed down called the Bowl of Light. It offers that we are all born with a bowl filled with light, which if tended to can develop into a strong source of life energy. However, over time our bowls can get polluted with “rocks,” taking the form of burdens, expectations, and negative emotions, dimming our light and weighing down our bowl.

Everyone wants to be free of suffering. For women who have gone through emotional or physical trauma, finding a safe space to express oneself freely with a supportive sisterhood can awaken life-transforming understandings. This is why Katalin Koda, author of Fire of the Goddess, and her co-facilitator, Kelley Linn, strive to provide a safe container for women to uncover and nourish the sacred femininity within them. Doing so allows women to integrate the strengths and understandings of this energy into everyday life.

“By creating ceremony we relinquish our smaller self and merge with the dynamic, larger spirit, we are dissolving our ego and habitual tendencies into the connectedness of the universe. Each time we create ceremony, we become more fluid and less attached to stagnant emotions and mental constructs.” - Fire of the Goddess

Katalin and Kelley’s work explores the use of ceremony to reclaim and reframe what one already knows, incorporating the practices of Anusara Yoga, shamanism, and the study of goddess archetypes. This combination allows one to connect more deeply with a strong sense of self-love, power, and wisdom: qualities shared with Pele, the goddess of fire and lava who has been honored for hundreds of years on the Big Island of Hawai’i. “Illuminating the creation of new land and the destruction of old, Pele IS the Fire of the Goddess and the brilliant emanation of the Sacred Feminine on Hawai'i Island.”

Kelley works with Katalin to integrate the practice of yoga into the work of the sacred feminine, to aid the exploration of inward expression, finding physical poses that awaken natural emotions, rather than the form-focused fitness yoga which has spread through many western practices. Just as smiling during meditation can call forth a sense of peaceful joy, a deep bow toward the ground during yoga can evoke a sense of gratitude. For those seeking to heal old traumas or change habitual tendencies, focused practice of yoga can awaken a deeper connection to the feminine qualities which live within all people.

There are many lessons and messages that come through this work. Katalin shared that “people are often fragmented, with energy spread in many directions. They often forget the healing that takes place when you are giving freely from the heart. It is time now to align yourself with your soul purpose, and to activate in order to spread love and share joy. Become a creator or creatrix of the reality you wish.”

Kelley offered, “Remember your intrinsic goodness. You are perhaps not ‘perfect’ in all actions, but at your core you are naturally and genuinely good.”

It is common for those who embody the sacred feminine energy to have so many rocks in their bowl of light that they cannot sip its nurturing nectar. With the help of intentional ceremonies and practices, as well as the support of the sacred sisterhood, we can empty all of the rocks to allow a new source of life to flow. Only then can we share our abundance with those around us, rather than our source. And it is in that state of abundance that we are able to heal- ourselves, our loved ones, and the world at large.

For more information about Katalin and Kelley’s offerings

visit Katalins website at: http://katalinkoda.com/

Fire of the Goddess will be returning to Kalani in March and June of 2013.  Learn more

Katalin’s book is available on Amazon

Tranformation Ignites Heart Fire

Angels ground me I seek deeper love
letting go like the rain drops land all around
each light-beam lands on my skin in gratitude
I trust each day a gift I see to this day my life brings
wholeness I lust
cherish where I come from
beleiving in where I go
that star in my sky reaching for this breath
I am joy
In rest
and in my hands i sense freedom in the passing wind
starlight dreams in my whisper
enlarging my true essence
my tropical spirit flower intrigue with the red winged bird in flight
lush soothing jungle
smiles from heart surround me
bliss full dance
expression power of ocean waves
just below the surface alive moving lava of intent always
changing, manifesting, transorming, alarming, igniting
the grace of Pele appears
All is a part of me...thank you
I want to hug the ground, kiss the plants
say mahalo to Buddha for reminding me
I am peace
My Grandma's butterfly wings send me to new heights
I feel her smile, her proud tickled heart embrace
I have no doubt opportunity awaits
magic abundance is here
I trust~
Deep mahalo's to my Kalani `ohana for all you individually are and i wish you all greatness in where you fly~

Love,

Sommer Joy Albertsen

A quote from Taylor Powell, who made this video:

"My mother always asks me, 'Taylor, what are you doing?'  This is my answer."

What are you doing? from tee pee on Vimeo.