I feel sad and angry when I see movies and TV shows shame people for expressing themselves dancing.
A lot of times when I’m watching the scene, I’ll be thinking, “Yeah, that’s awesome, that person is totally getting down!” and then out of left field (for me) the characters will make fun of that person for being a terrible dancer and “making a fool of themselves.”
It’s a shitty cultural story to reinforce.
I can remember two times I experienced this up close and personal.
The first time I was in middle school at a dance. I was wearing a blue dress that I felt pretty in, and I was really feeling the music and getting down and feeling joy. It’s the first dancing breakthrough I can remember. A friend told me the next day that her mom who had chaperoned the dance had asked her, “Who was that floozy in the blue dress?”
Ugh. Stupid, judgmental, wrong-headed female thoughtlessly passing her poison from one generation to the next. I don’t think I had ever even kissed anybody yet. I felt ice in my heart when I found out that me expressing myself could lead to such a radical misinterpretation.
Fast forward to my mid-20s. At this point, I had half-convinced myself that people didn’t really judge other people for their dancing. I felt pretty self-conscious when I danced, so I pretty much was trying to fool myself, with some success, using doublethink to my advantage.
I was at an electronic music party in a field somewhere and I overheard two girls going through each dancer one by one and assessing them. Some dancers they liked, some dancers they didn’t like; they broke down individual moves and talked about them.
These girls were less catty and more investigative; my illusion that people weren’t judging my dancing was destroyed forever, though.
Now I work hard to let go of my ego while I’m dancing even if I know people are judging me. Suspecting that people might be judging me to be a good dancer engages my ego as much as suspecting people are judging me to be a bad dancer, although in a less debilitating way. The more I can let it all go, the clearer channel I am for the dance.
I have a secret weapon — my natural vision. When I take off my glasses and don’t wear contacts, other people become blurs and I can’t even tell if anyone is looking at me. It’s easier to stay present in my own body, although it still takes work to sink in and let go of distractions.
Ecstatic dance has been a balm to my soul. People could witness my dance, even celebrate it, without my ego getting engaged. Having so much practice with ego-free dancing helps me be less full of ego while dancing at parties and festivals as well.
Really, the ego is just my own judgment. Am I dancing well today? Am I feeling the music? Am I stuck in old patterns? Wasn’t that move I just did really cool?
So I guess I get an opportunity to practice what I preach, and channel all my desire for other people not to judge my dancing into a practice of not judging myself. When I’m not judging myself, other people’s judgments roll off me like water off a duck’s back.
Shame is a powerful tool. To use it in a way that limits someone’s self-expression while dancing, when they are doing no harm to anyone, is shameful and harmful itself. I’d like to see more TV shows and movies that celebrate people moving their bodies, even when it might look a little silly…especially when it might look a little silly!
Luckily for me, I get to experience shame-free movement at my local ecstatic dance, which helps me to dance without judging myself or others wherever I am.
